Happy Friday, I’m sorry I missed you last week. All good love letters should start with “I’m sorry”. Most texts should start with “I’m sorry”, basically, if you want to ever get laid, get used to saying “I’m sorry”.

I’m sure we’ll all be saying I’m sorry to someone this weekend, because its absolutely fucking impossible not to disappoint someone on Valentine’s Day.


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However, you’re not alone. You have me, ROMANCE EXPERT, to give you some HOT TIPS for getting through this weekend literally unscathed.

Single And Dying To Bone

Thats you, up there. You very seriously need to go out with this image in your mind ALL WEEKEND. You need to dig deep and discover that lingerie that you have in your drawer from that valentine’s day where you had that boyfriend, and he didn’t like it for some goddamn fucking reason, and it totally ruined it for him and he ordered a pizza and played Call of Duty. Fuck someone else in it this weekend as if to say “Fuck You”, to him, for being so terrible.

We all hated him, by the way.

Single But Please Don’t Touch Me Thanks

So you’ve been on Tinder a bunch since the new year but at this point its starting to look a whole lot like that fucked up pickle conveyor belt. It’s like...




So just get a bunch of snacks and drug store gifties for your friends, hang out and love/hatewatch some rom coms, and bathe in your loathing and chocolate wrappers.

In A Relationship, And It’s Fresh

Welcome to Valentine’s Day land! You really don’t need any advice from me, you probably have your shit all figured out. However, I happen to be a fan of Valentine’s Day Kitsch (i really love love, ya’ll) and I would like to make the following recommendations:

Get the goofy Valentine’s day themed cocktail. You can’t get away with that shit any other day of the year.

Get dessert - dessert is fun and it makes you seem really carefree.

Be swoonworthy/swoon. The easiest way to be swoonworthy is to be nice. The easiest way to swoon is to appreciate when someone is being nice on purpose. Get your swoon on.

In A Relationship And Been At It For Years

This is the most empowered situation on Valentine’s Day, because you know each other’s likes and dislikes, and you’ve had a few different Valentine’s Days under your belt. Enjoy each other, and if you’re not trying to have a crazy extravagant date because thats not your thing, be sure to reach out to your friends who aren’t feeling so great this Valentine’s day, go to the bar, and make a spectator sport out of the inevitable meltdowns that will be occurring at bistros and trattorias all over this great nation this weekend.

Because its motherfucking Valentine’s Day!!!

I love you all, cheers! It’s Beer O’Clock!

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